not getting over this any time soon

you put together every piece of me
you know exactly what i need to be

how come that's how i feel.. but how come i know that's how i shouldn't feel. why do i know that no one should feel that way. it's that dependent feeling. i used to be okay with that feeling..but now i completely hate it when i'm dependent. i'm terrified of being dependent. being dependent means being vulnerable. being an easy target to hurt. but then again. i set myself up to be hurt. i know the circumstances i know the situation, i know everything but that still doesn't seem to change my mind when it comes to that horrible evil boy. i love that i handle my own things and do what i want and am so financially independent but i hate that he's not there to be happy with me.

hm it's weird spending three years of highschool in a relationship and the last year, what's supposed to be the best year, is the year that i was left alone. no definite date to winter formal, no definite date to prom. not necessarily about prom, but still. it wasn't the prom i had planned. senior year wasn't what i had planned. i remember asking him a year ago, oh are you going to my graduation. it was as if he already knew we'd break up. he answered if we're together yeah. he could've just said yeah.. a lot of the times i feel like he fooled me. we had a talk about the changes that could happen but he tried to reassure me saying, "no i'd never" but he did. i remember the first year when he said, "i would never break up with you...i'd only break up with you if you cheated on me" but he knew i would never do that. i guess we never expected the problems that came. never problems between us, but just. problems. i remember how much he used to like me, how much effort he put into making me happy and every little thing he did. he'd come by for a little while right before 12am to make sure that we saw each other every day. i remember him trying to surprise me with flowers asking me what color candy i wanted. i remember texting him i wanted strawberry or watermelon and he told me oh it's all the same flavor just pick a color and i chose purple and he picked me up from work with purple roses on the passenger seat waiting for me. i fell completely in love with purple roses because of that. we spent every possible day together. it's so weird. so much can change. i thought that everything would be so different if we were to get together today but when i saw him, it was so natural. it was what it used to be. and we just played and messed around like we used to. i miss him every second of the day. i'm still so completely hung on him and love him as much as a year ago. i thought i was over it but that day he sent me the text i just couldn't help how happy i was. we kept our relationship private, i don't think anyone knew our relationship. except maybe his friends and his mom. they saw how we were. i was so happy. i've never been so happy. i never realized how lucky i was to have him and to call him mine.

some don't understand the relationship i have with his mom. i'm so happy that i have a relationship with her regardless of the fact that we broke up. we had dinner tonight, and i miss it. i miss us three sitting around eating dinner and just talking. i wonder how she feels. seeing me less than a month ago at her house with him. she told him when we broke up that he made a mistake, i wish that mattered to him.


hello world, i'm emotional.