not getting over this any time soon

you put together every piece of me
you know exactly what i need to be

how come that's how i feel.. but how come i know that's how i shouldn't feel. why do i know that no one should feel that way. it's that dependent feeling. i used to be okay with that feeling..but now i completely hate it when i'm dependent. i'm terrified of being dependent. being dependent means being vulnerable. being an easy target to hurt. but then again. i set myself up to be hurt. i know the circumstances i know the situation, i know everything but that still doesn't seem to change my mind when it comes to that horrible evil boy. i love that i handle my own things and do what i want and am so financially independent but i hate that he's not there to be happy with me.

hm it's weird spending three years of highschool in a relationship and the last year, what's supposed to be the best year, is the year that i was left alone. no definite date to winter formal, no definite date to prom. not necessarily about prom, but still. it wasn't the prom i had planned. senior year wasn't what i had planned. i remember asking him a year ago, oh are you going to my graduation. it was as if he already knew we'd break up. he answered if we're together yeah. he could've just said yeah.. a lot of the times i feel like he fooled me. we had a talk about the changes that could happen but he tried to reassure me saying, "no i'd never" but he did. i remember the first year when he said, "i would never break up with you...i'd only break up with you if you cheated on me" but he knew i would never do that. i guess we never expected the problems that came. never problems between us, but just. problems. i remember how much he used to like me, how much effort he put into making me happy and every little thing he did. he'd come by for a little while right before 12am to make sure that we saw each other every day. i remember him trying to surprise me with flowers asking me what color candy i wanted. i remember texting him i wanted strawberry or watermelon and he told me oh it's all the same flavor just pick a color and i chose purple and he picked me up from work with purple roses on the passenger seat waiting for me. i fell completely in love with purple roses because of that. we spent every possible day together. it's so weird. so much can change. i thought that everything would be so different if we were to get together today but when i saw him, it was so natural. it was what it used to be. and we just played and messed around like we used to. i miss him every second of the day. i'm still so completely hung on him and love him as much as a year ago. i thought i was over it but that day he sent me the text i just couldn't help how happy i was. we kept our relationship private, i don't think anyone knew our relationship. except maybe his friends and his mom. they saw how we were. i was so happy. i've never been so happy. i never realized how lucky i was to have him and to call him mine.

some don't understand the relationship i have with his mom. i'm so happy that i have a relationship with her regardless of the fact that we broke up. we had dinner tonight, and i miss it. i miss us three sitting around eating dinner and just talking. i wonder how she feels. seeing me less than a month ago at her house with him. she told him when we broke up that he made a mistake, i wish that mattered to him.


hello world, i'm emotional.

time for something new

i'm not sure how many people STILL use xanga but i'm one of them. the thing is..angela was my only subscriber due to the lack of use of xangas in this world. hmhmhm i like this. it's different and a bit refreshing! it took me two hours to find a blogsite that i was okay with and to pick a name HAHA too bad mine isn't too creative, i wanted something simple. i've always wanted to write. a part of me does. i have so many thoughts but i don't think anyone really knows that. maybe a part of me puts up a front. i've always found it easiest to put on a smile that way no one asks questions. no one ever questions a smile, and if they do i always have an answer, "what's the point in being sad" honestly i wish i could live by that answer. smiles are so much easier to pull off than a frown. sometimes i'm sick of always having to smile but whatever to keep questions away! i can say that i'm generally a happy person, i think a lot of people who know me would say so. or that i'm weird. hm maybe some would say i'm not the smartest. i don't really know how i put myself out there as. i do ask some stupid questions at times and i do say stupid things from time to time. but hm. i don't really know what i'm saying. i'm such a scatter brain when it comes to blogging. i wonder how everyone perceives me. perception is so interesting! it's so interesting how one person's perception can affect another's judgment or view on a person. i know that it definitely does that for me. well..it gives me an expectation for when i meet the person. eeek. i wish i can be nonjudgmental. i wish i didn't judge someone from first impressions. eeeek maybe i can try now! starting today?! HAHA hm... if you judge people you have no time to love them